angels dont give up on me today

why did you have to come back?  why do you always do that? why do you have to apologize for every single shit you did? you knew everything was going to be fine each time you apologize, didn't you?  you knew i won't hesitate to take you back.  why do you have to re-appear when i'm already getting better? you miss me?  really?  or you miss having someone to talk to?  someone who can put up with your bullshits?  you don't miss me, you miss having someone who cares. you went away without a word & now you're coming back,  apologizing for going missing saying that you needed the distance between us,  saying that you knew what you did was wrong. so now i'm supposed to believe that you've changed? ain't gonna fall for that. i've had enough of all the sleepless nights,  the tears i've wasted. i'm done.  find someone else that can make you feel like you're precious.  because i used to make you fee...

i'm sorry for pushing you away. it's the only way i deal with myself. i've been hurt way too many times before that now i leave before anyone leaves me. once someone is capable of making me smile every morning & every night, i will make sure i back the fuck off. it's just me. you're not the problem. just hope you know, i'm getting use to being alone now. i don't think i need a guy or a close friend to feel complete. i don't think such things exist anymore. if you've been left alone, blamed at when you've been trying so hard to be perfect for that somebody, you'll understand why i'm doing this.

Its been so long. Everything has been really hard. I'm not saying it was easy all along but at least mummy won't scream at my face like she did a while ago. I don't understand anything around here anymore. It's like i'm living in a house that is full of people i do not know. Everyone haven't been themselves lately. Is it my fault now? I admit i haven't been home for quite sometime but now that i have, why do i feel like i don't belong? Or is it just me? Nothing i do seems to be right. I'm being screamed at, blamed at for no fucking reason. You want me to get a job, i already have one. You wanted me to stop schooling, i've quit. You've been planning out my life the whole freaking time, what else do you want from me now? Do you even care about what i want? Do you know that i go to sleep crying because i can't do anything right around here? I know what i'm doing right now isn't what i promised you the other time. But i'm trying ...

Yeah, it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright. Yeah, it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright. Well, I got the call soon as the day hit night, As soon as the headlights lit up the Westside. I stopped the car and came outside Cause I know that tone. I remember the first time we wished upon parallel lines. Waiting for a friend to call and say they're still alive. I've given everyone I know a good reason to go. I was surprised you stuck around long enough to figure out... That it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright. Yeah, it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright. And now all my loves that come back to haunt me, And my r...

Everything is crashing down.  That's it, i'm done trying to fix things.  Leaving everything to Allah.

Who the hell told you that you need someone to survive? Now look where it's bringing you. No-fucking-where. It was all good by myself until i met him & started to develop feelings for him. None of it was real, i told myself. But if it wasn't then why is it so fucking hard to let him go? No matter how many times i tell myself i'm done, i will still find myself running right back to the start. I don't know if any of these is gonna be worth it. Maybe it's a waste of feelings but i love to have you around. I need you to be around. The attention i needed from you, i'm getting it from all the other guys. What surprises me is that i can't seem to fall for any of them. They can be real angels but it is still not working. I need you more than anything now. If it's not you then i don't want anyone else. Stuck on you, big time. Mum has been stressing out a lot. I totally understand that bcs she hasn't been having enough rest due to problems after p...

i fucked everything up yesterday. i wanted to tell you i miss you but my ego got the best of me. i was tired, i was mad, i was self-centered. you're treating me like an option.  one minute you want me there & another minute you don't.  well, at-least that's how i see it. it's what i think, see or say that matters. even if it's wrong, only my words matter. i'm sorry.  i don't wanna lose you but if being without you makes everything better, i'll settle for that. it's exhausting to always wait for your texts. even when we're talking, you don't seem like you're interested in anything i'm about to tell you.  forgive me for my cold replies. i only wanted you to feel what i was feeling when you gave the same damn replies. but it doesn't seem to bother you. not at all. what the hell do you want from me? you're loving the chase, don't you?  if it was easy, i would have let you go by now but it's not so i hope you r...

he didn't have to do much. he literally made my entire night when he said he missed me. it doesn't matter if he's saying it just to make me talk to him bcs as far as i'm concern, that's exactly what i wanted to hear. it definitely made me feel like i was wanted by someone, especially when that someone is him. he had no clue that i was trying really hard to give him cold replies for the past few nights. it didn't make me feel better, it made me felt worthless instead. i shouldn't have replied to any of his texts. i've told myself that the reason i was continuously hurting was bcs i kept letting him in time & again. then i thought that if i take everything slow & steady, my feelings would eventually fade. but the more i give him the cold replies, the more he comes back. like he didn't get any of my signals. pushing him away got really difficult bcs i started to get more attach than ever. i want to push him away but i don't want him to leav...

11th September 2013, Home Club. Dearest Team Secret :-) x

now that you're gone, everything's different. i knew what i had, i just didn't thought i'd lose you this fast. you were just like a Dad to me. you blow my phone up when it's only 7pm & you never stop reminding me why I shouldn't be home late. you will always make sure i had dinner before heading to bed. you'd stay up till 5am bcs that's the time i'll get home after every event. you were on my nerves almost all the time. i wasn't your child but you controlled my life & your presence usually suffocate me. you can hurt me with words that you called advises. i'd lock myself up in my room whenever i get home just so i won't look at you. who would have thought i'd miss all those stuffs now that you're no longer here. i came to realize my safety comes first even though you had your own children & my siblings. i guess i was pretty difficult for you to handle that you had to wait till i get home every night/morning just to m...

i'm sorry for what i said to you. yes, you hurt me time & again. but my feelings won't change. nothing will. i won't change you. promise. please don't leave. you're the only person that matters now. i know i'm difficult. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. & if you really wanna go, go ahead. if you don't want me, i don't want you too. but if you think  we can work it out, please try to stay. bcs if you leave, i'll cry. i'll be unhappy all over again. you're mean, you're clueless, you're ignorant, still i want you so bad. you'll never understand, but i hope one day you do. that you're the first guy ever, i let myself run back to.

rough day yesterday. everything wasn't in place. can't rly figure out what i'm feeling right now. at the same time i put pressure on my colleagues & i'm sorry. didn't sleep well last night. was up for a few hours thinking how to settle certain matters without putting pressure on them. being in the position i am right now clearly made me realized what Ameere & Zhengyi went through when they had me as their very own promoter. for the very first time i feel like crying myself out bcs i'm thinking too much.. i thought by going away for awhile, these things would be off my mind but it's following me everywhere i go. can't help it. i want everything to be perfect. so perfection i will find.  i miss you, grandma. everything you used to say keeps playing in my head. i won't forget a single word. i admire how strong of a person you were when you were going through tough times. i wanna be just like you. you taught mummy well. thank you Allah for giv...

it's frustrating to not be able to differentiate people who rly wants to be there for you & people who's there but don't rly care coz right now i feel like i'm about to blow up. not physically but emotionally. i've lost count of the nmbr of people i talked to about you. i guess when i didn't heed their advice to pack up & leave, they're alrdy saying i'm stupid bcs that's what i'd say if i were them. maybe i'm the huge problem. i've promised myself to change but it doesn't seem like i have, right? everything you do gets me mad. maybe bcs i know very well i might lose you to someone else. at times, i tell myself that if you wanna leave bcs of smeone else, go ahead. & she can keep you. but to know that i wasn't good enough to make you stay, will get me thinking why the hell did i even let my heart develop feelings for you. funny, isn't it? someone who does things that makes me mad, who gives me replies that drive...

assalamualaikum :-) went missing for months but hey i'm back yea aby's back hehe. i've got alot to share which means i have to go back to my very last post. birthday to problems to crushes to school & friends. let's start off with birthday. my birthday of course. i remembered wishing for a better birthday this year & indeed my wish came true, alhamdulillah. something unexpected happened & i swear coz of that my birthday was the best one ever. but you know, happiness don't last. not when you forget who created you & why you're on Earth. they say, you'll lose someone if your attention is more on him than on yourself plus Allah. sad to say, it happened to me. have you ever asked yourself why some people can't stay in your life when you're willing to stay in theirs after countless of shits? yea me too. i'm sorry i'm a little stubborn, well alot to be exact. but it's only bcs i don't believe that you can be happy when yo...

the holidays went perfectly well. alhamdulillah. couldnt wish for a better holiday. its all i need to put all my troubles behind. big brother's finally home & it feels great to see one big happy family in this house. cousins came over for 2 days straight & we couldnt ask for more than the smiles & laughter they've given. i wish everyday was just like this. i wish i could make my mom this happy every single day. i love to see her smile. she's god damn beautiful. i can't imagine life without her. i need to learn to be independent. she's one hell of a great woman & she's my only precious gem. i love you, mom. we baked a 'nutella rainbow cake' we baked for mom & dad's 26th anniversary. it was a belated one to be exact. i suggested to bake a cake since thats what kak waina,illah & myself wanted to do since december last year. though it wasnt what we expected it to be, the outcome was a job well done. & the next time ...

assalamualaikum. the guy up that, his name's Prem. i couldnt have made a lot of friends by the first month of ITE last year if it wasnt for him. he kept calling me A-bi & everyone else followed suit. turned out he knew that name by looking thru my facebook. he's small for his age tho. opps, sorry Prem. haha! anyways, that picture was taken on thursday, when i met them after my class. never apart. so, 2nd week of school was.......awesome. & alhamdulillah for the weather these few days. loving the rain as well as school. motivated to go to school as i've made new friends & there wasn't alot of modules i hafta repeat. it's easy & convenient. who would have thought that i could fit in with these first year boys so easily. Mr Koh is a brag at times but he's the perfect C.A. i mean every class needs a C.A like him. funny, clumsy & caring. mana nak dapat? hahaha. & he can be a bore at times too when he keeps talking & talking especi...

alhamdulillah to first week of school. bl duties went smooth & first day in class was great. haha fine, i'm lying. first day in class was hell. CA literally called me Siti upon me reaching class. my new classmates were a hilarious bunch. & i made time for my 2nd year friends so 1st week of school was great.  he's Syafiq, the other bl i had to partner with for NY1301E. he's nice, fun to be with & friendly. so it wasn't difficult to get along with him. just that he has this habit of going missing without a trace. haha. first day of school, 1E was hell. had kids skipping the activities & some others not wanting to co-operate. they were the devils in my eyes. hahaha i swear i couldn't handle them. but i cant blame them. i was like that too, last year, this month. orientations are sucha bore. we're no longer kids so please change the games & stuffs. i understood what they were going thru so i tried being their friend. well i thought to ...

the man above, he's my grandfather. the only grandfather as well as grandparent i have left. after grandma left, he never fail to show us a smile. never did he once shed a tear in front of us. you're very strong,grandfather. late grandma was a strong woman too. i miss her, so much. it's good, you know, to see grandfather laughing & having the time of his life. god knows how much he misses late grandma. we all do.  that picture was taken during kenduri arwah nenek yesterday. well, after the kenduri to be precise. he ran up to me & took a sit facing me. he giggled & then told me to smile. he was adorable :') the kenduri went well,alhamdulillah. loved it. it's been a day now since i started feeling like it's the end of my life. my dreams were crushed. i thought i could make things change this year but i never did. or should i throw, "serve you right" into my face? i deserve it. i had a year to make things right but never did i mak...

he's my bestfriend. this was our very first photo taken together beginning of last year. we didn't start off pretty well. there's things i dislike about him. but after a year, he's been there for me through my ups & downs. not to forget Syahril & Safwan too. easy said, the guys in my class were all there for me but these are the few that were really there for me & are able to make my days better. though some things has changed, my classmates will always be the best. without them, i won't even make it through Year 1. maybe Zainal did play his part a little but whatever. when i heard we will all be in different classes this year, i kinda got upset. my classmates are amazing. unfortunately, i won't be able to see them a lot this year so i'm depending on faith to keep us all together. the memories are too much to forget.  so my new year wasn't that bad actually. i had little angels wimme to play bumble bee with. no, it isn't that b...