I'm back
assalamualaikum :-) went missing for months but hey i'm back yea aby's back hehe. i've got alot to share which means i have to go back to my very last post. birthday to problems to crushes to school & friends. let's start off with birthday. my birthday of course. i remembered wishing for a better birthday this year & indeed my wish came true, alhamdulillah. something unexpected happened & i swear coz of that my birthday was the best one ever. but you know, happiness don't last. not when you forget who created you & why you're on Earth. they say, you'll lose someone if your attention is more on him than on yourself plus Allah. sad to say, it happened to me. have you ever asked yourself why some people can't stay in your life when you're willing to stay in theirs after countless of shits? yea me too. i'm sorry i'm a little stubborn, well alot to be exact. but it's only bcs i don't believe that you can be happy when you decide to follow your heart. i did, i followed my heart whenever it comes to him but i always end up losing. he's the first ever to make me allow myself to get hurt time & again.. he's bad for me yet i still come back to him. stupid? most likely. feelings fade don't they? mine doesn't seem to. i can keep convincing myself i'm better off alone but nothing's working bcs each time i'm a step further, he tends to re-appear & make everything so much better. with or without him, good or bad, it's so much better when he's around. but for now, i guess i should let myself breathe. i'm no good at keeping people in my life. either i push them out or they just don't wanna stay. won't be surprise if one fine day he's leaving, for good. it's gonna take someone really patient to put up with the shits i give out. difficult but definitely worth it.
speaking bout people leaving, i've lost a hell lot more of friends this year. lately, i'm no longer the nice girl i used to be. i'm becoming more of a beast & i hate that. but i can't help it. it makes me feel so much better & it makes things so much easier to deal with. you wanna leave? go ahead. just don't come back. maybe i won't fight for anyone to stay anymore. i'm getting really tired of everything. why can't people do the things i'm willing to do for them? why do i have to be the only one who has to reach everyone else's expectations? used to forgive & forget easily. i can still forgive easily, but to forget? not so much. finally it hit me that people won't do half of the things you would do for them. some will pretend to be your friend but when you're in need, you're a pest to each & everyone of them. recently, i have some people who's there for me. & these people are the ones i least expected to appear in my time of need. people can tell me their way of living is making them bad people. i don't care, i really don't. as far as i'm concerned, they accepted me for who i am. no questions no doubts, just trust. maybe i don't wanna be nice anymore. maybe it's way better if i treat people the way they don't want me to treat them. that way, i won't get hurt. it's pretty sad that i'm not the only one. there's alot of people out there in the same situation & still staying strong. i can't be strong. i rather be hated for the things i do than to satisfy everyone & let myself get hurt. it's pressurizing to please people only to find out they don't really care when you're not around.
well, i hope to go back to school next year. promised myself that this time round, i'm not gonna waste anymore time. time won't wait for anyone so it's either i get up & do something about it or just live a lifeless life. it hasn't been easy to make such decisions on my own. when i was 14, mom was the one doing it for me & i hated it bcs i wasn't able to make my own decisions. but right now, i wish she would do it again for me. she keeps comparing me to my cousins. it's driving me insane but i guess she was indirectly telling me that i've disappoint her in so many ways. just hope she won't give up on me easily bcs i'm gonna make her proud. she's always first in everything. i'll make sure i'll do wtv it takes to make her happy. without her, i would still be wasting my life doing things i shouldn't do. proud to say, i'm becoming someone better now. for her & only her. so it doesn't matter how many people are gonna leave & never come back, i just want her to support me in everything i do. mummy, i love you.