angels dont give up on me today

it's that feeling again but i have no one to turn to. this is not something i can talk about. no one would understand. they'd think i'm a joke. but i really feel that it's happening again. each time i thought i was getting well, it just comes right back. i'm so sick and tired of this.

I needed someone to be there. I reached out to my loved ones because I was scared. I needed someone to be there. To tell me everything's okay. But nobody was there. They simply don't care. I'd do anything for them but when I need them, they just aren't there.. Sad, isn't it? I almost wanted to treat them the way they treated me but my heart just couldn't do it. I wasn't born like that. People kept telling me that whatever I do should be done from the bottom of my heart and that I shouldn't be expecting anything back. But I just wanted to matter. I just...... want to matter. Why is this so hard? Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? Why wasn't I taught to be cold towards people who treats me awfully? They can break my heart many times but I'd still hand my heart over to them again & again. I thought people closest to me would give me unconditional love. They are supposed to be my safe space... But they act just like every...

Have you ever wonder what's in store for you when you fall for a complete stranger? Like would I end up marrying this dude or will this dude be just another guy who would fuck me over? I have been with so many guys who treated me like a queen from the start but ended up cheating on me. Will this guy end up being that guy? I remember praying for god to show me if a guy was meant for me and if he wasn't, I asked for god to take him away from my life. And there he went, leaving me like I was garbage. You might say that I asked for it. Yes. Yes, I did. Although I saw it coming, I was hurt. Because I gave all of me and still that wasn't enough. But god, oh god, this boy has me falling head over heels for him. He is water to my fire. He makes everything feel right. He makes me feel right. Most of the time, I take him for granted, I admit. But I have always been this girl who puts her own ego over anything else. I may have tried to lower it down just so he knows that I am willing ...

Weird, isn't it? How we both thought that I've been well. I am, to be honest. Maybe for a little while. I have always believed that when someone's really happy, sadness will come. Believe it or not, it has happened to me more than once and you may say it's just me but hey, it's not you who's going through it now, are you? Grateful. That's what I am. I have a beautiful family, a loving boyfriend, a fun working place(with a bit of stress) and good friends(just a small crowd). Even so, I still feel empty. Like something's missing. What am I here for? What have I accomplished so far? I've been living my life day by day just waking up, going to work, coming back home and go to sleep. It has become a routine that it makes me feel so tired and bored. Mostly tired to be very honest. I want to be able to enjoy what I'm doing. I want to have a meaning to my life. I want to save the world(sounds huge). I want to make everyone's life better. But how do I...

I was trying to catch up on some sleep the other night when tears started rolling down my face. My mind was busy making up scenarios of Mom not being able to be there for me. I've always had this fear of Mom not being able to see me in my wedding gown. Or my kids not having a grandmother to run to. I can't even process the idea of not having her by my side anymore. I know it'd be too late to regret once it happens because I have been taking her for granted all these while but every day I keep trying so hard to learn something from her. To have something to remember. To have something to keep. But she's way too perfect for me. I can't even be just like her. Sure, she's really good at getting on my nerves but I'm starting to believe that's what she's here for. She has to make me mad for me to be reminded what it will be like when I no longer have the only person who constantly tries to find my fault. She has to ignore me for me to realize that cold sh...

Remember when things suck so bad for me? Well, I'm over that part. I met someone. Someone genuine. Someone who makes me feel like nothing can ever go bad with him around. Well, you know how I love to write about guys who are incredibly nice to me but this took me 5 long months to finally accept the fact that he's all I've ever wanted. Maybe this post won't mean anything in the near future because you know guys in my life just tend to fuck things up whenever I'm ready to let them in but I guess this time it's safe to say I don't ever want to lose him. And that if I do, I don't how I'll ever recover. He's the complete opposite of D and maybe quite the same as K. But I like him because he's all of that altogether. It might sound crazy but I actually have all the time to think about him. Still sound too good to be true, right? I know.  Anyways, I'm shifting house. I'm so very grateful for everything that has happened up til now. Nothing...

You know how God sends everyone a human angel to make things better & to heal us emotionally? Kak Mahirah. I strongly believe that she was sent specifically to us to help us get through difficult times. Her presence has been nothing but a blessing. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

It's funny how I'm still searching for answers on why you left & married her instead. It's like as much as I tell myself that I'm happy as long as you are, I can't seem to move on from the fact that you promised me the world but left anyway. Was I not worthy of marriage? Or was chasing my dreams too much for you? I don't think I'm ever going to forget how you ended things. How you still linger around when you made the decision to give up first. How you had the cheek to ask me why I asked the questions I did when you were already settling for her. Cruel. I never saw you as that person as I never thought you could be one. Sad, isn't it? To have someone you thought could finally mean what he says only to turn around & prove you wrong. I just wish you could have shown that side of you much earlier when I was still deciding on whether to let you in or not. Worst thing was how you knew what he did to me before you but you still had to hurt me like t...

I gave in.

My feelings for you were genuine. But I wasn't looking for someone who could save me. If the things you did for me was what you thought was best, well darling, it wasn't. If I needed help, I'd ask. The things that are happening in my life aren't things that you would or you could understand.  But you were always there for me. Maybe that's why it's killing me now. I needed someone who could let me be. Someone who knows I'm difficult and won't change that.  It's been five days now. I miss you.

Dear God, T he nicest, the most forgiving, the patient one, the most understanding, just everything I would want in a guy. But if he is not for me, I don't want to waste his time. It is hurting me as much as it's hurting him. Maybe he was right for me but I wasn't for him. To have someone who could put up with me, myself and I altogether isn't something that happens often in my life. Losing him is breaking me apart. But oh god if he is meant to be mine, let us meet once again when things are easier. When life isn't as messy as it is right now. When I'm able to treat him just the way that he deserves. Maybe more but nothing less.  And if he's not meant to be with me, give him someone who's emotionally stable. Someone who doesn't need him to understand things he couldn't understand. Give him someone who could give him love as much as he's willing to give her. Last but not least, give me the strength to see him with someone else. Lov...

He can't do it like you do. He makes me feel like I'm a burden. Like having me in his life means he's gonna live a miserable life. And I don't want to give that kind of life to him. He has all these thoughts in his mind that's telling him I'm up to no good again. It's tiring having to go through this countless of times. He can't trust me enough. I don't know if he's able to handle me when I'm being such a sad soul. He can't. No one can do it like you do.

    I remembered pushing you away because it was that time of the month and then I had you telling me you'd still be around no matter what. I remembered getting bad and sad then I had you holding me telling me I was worth a lot more than that. How can someone who helped me get through the days be the same person who broke me? Why is it so damn hard to let you go? I can't even let anyone in. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start all over. What if nothing goes right again? Will I be reminded of the days you left me hanging, wishing and hoping you'd come back? Even then, I am always being reminded of how, in that moment, you were the person who made me the happiest girl on earth although you were also the same person who broke every little piece left of me. But I can't be telling people that part, can I? I can't just tell them you've been such a great person because then they'd ask me why am I such a sad soul now. Of all the things you did for m...

Miss you, Mum. I know it hasn't been easy for the past few months but believe me when I say that I'm trying. I'll make things better again. For you, for me, for everyone. And you might not see it but I can honestly say Abang is trying too. Just give him a bit more time, okay? We're rock bottom now but at least we have each other. Won't be long until we're back on our feet again. In shaa Allah. Thanks for being the best. I love you.

Have you ever wondered how things would turn out if you didn't do certain things? Like falling for a certain someone? Because I saw it coming. I knew what he was capable of doing but I pushed all that aside to give him another chance. Just as I thought, once again, we couldn't make it work. And this is definitely the last straw. Maybe the problem lies in me. Like I'm always giving out chances to people who least deserves it. I shouldn't have. I wasn't supposed to. But I did. And this time, it's no longer a mistake. It's a freaking choice. But it still hurts. Big time. I gave my all in hopes that he would too. He sounded very convincing. Every girl would love to hear everything he had to say. And because it was only assurance that I needed, I believed him. Just like that. Wanna blame him so bad for making me feel like shit once again but I'm also to blame for letting him in. I guess after all these years, I finally realized that it's never gonna be ...

Ya Allah, if this is just another test, please guide me through once again like how you've guided me all along. Please make me strong again. Please let things go easy again. I know I'm able to go through anything. As long as I'm close to you. I'm trying. Please.... 

Second cup of coffee by now. Don't really drink coffee two at a go but tonight I guess, it's different. I'm not even sure what I'm angry about. Maybe it's just how I've been living my life lately. I cannot continue living life this way. First of all, the people around me will definitely get hurt if I keep this up & I never want anyone to get hurt because of me. I keep telling people I'll think about it. Think about what exactly? I don't think I can ever fix myself. When people tell me that I'm getting bad again, I kept denying it. Because I swore I would never go back to that kind of life. But who am I kidding? Or has it already been written that I will forever be this person I am today? If so, I don't wanna be around anymore. I'm so sick of being okay for a few months & getting bad all over again. & what frustrates me most was when I tried so hard to be better & no one sees it but just when I start tumbling down, I have peo...

I don't remember ever posting anything about my best-friend. Whether she's gonna read this or not, it's all up to her. I don't usually tell her I've updated my blog or anything. I don't plan to. Because most of the things that are posted here are the things she has already been told beforehand. Like this one. But this is gonna make her puke. She cannot handle sweet things. She's just a very mean person by nature.  By blood, she's my cousin. By Satan, she's my best-friend. Thing is, this wasn't planned at all. We got close when I started telling her things I didn't tell anyone. Then on, I told myself that's it. I'm screwed. I found myself finding her each time anything bad happens. Good things too. It's either her or no one at all. It's the assurance feeling I get that made me turn to her about anything. She tells me off when I'm wrong. She apologizes when she's wrong. Our ego are very much the same. But when we ...

Mom has started donning the hijab. It warms my heart to see her pinning them up & re-doing it over & again just to make sure it covers well & look nice on her. I found myself smiling like a little girl receiving cotton candy just by looking at her donning it. Nothing has ever made me feel so happy. When I first started wearing the hijab, I felt out of place because whenever I'm out with my family I was the only one who was wearing it. There were a few times I asked mom if she's ever gonna wear it because I don't think it looks good when the daughter's wearing it but the mom's not. Then I realized I shouldn't be forcing people to wear the hijab. They should want to wear it willingly. So I stopped asking & alhamdulillah, my prayers has been answered. syukran. I love you, Mom.