angels dont give up on me today

Have you ever wonder what's in store for you when you fall for a complete stranger? Like would I end up marrying this dude or will this dude be just another guy who would fuck me over? I have been with so many guys who treated me like a queen from the start but ended up cheating on me. Will this guy end up being that guy? I remember praying for god to show me if a guy was meant for me and if he wasn't, I asked for god to take him away from my life. And there he went, leaving me like I was garbage. You might say that I asked for it. Yes. Yes, I did. Although I saw it coming, I was hurt. Because I gave all of me and still that wasn't enough. But god, oh god, this boy has me falling head over heels for him. He is water to my fire. He makes everything feel right. He makes me feel right. Most of the time, I take him for granted, I admit. But I have always been this girl who puts her own ego over anything else. I may have tried to lower it down just so he knows that I am willing ...

Weird, isn't it? How we both thought that I've been well. I am, to be honest. Maybe for a little while. I have always believed that when someone's really happy, sadness will come. Believe it or not, it has happened to me more than once and you may say it's just me but hey, it's not you who's going through it now, are you? Grateful. That's what I am. I have a beautiful family, a loving boyfriend, a fun working place(with a bit of stress) and good friends(just a small crowd). Even so, I still feel empty. Like something's missing. What am I here for? What have I accomplished so far? I've been living my life day by day just waking up, going to work, coming back home and go to sleep. It has become a routine that it makes me feel so tired and bored. Mostly tired to be very honest. I want to be able to enjoy what I'm doing. I want to have a meaning to my life. I want to save the world(sounds huge). I want to make everyone's life better. But how do I...

I was trying to catch up on some sleep the other night when tears started rolling down my face. My mind was busy making up scenarios of Mom not being able to be there for me. I've always had this fear of Mom not being able to see me in my wedding gown. Or my kids not having a grandmother to run to. I can't even process the idea of not having her by my side anymore. I know it'd be too late to regret once it happens because I have been taking her for granted all these while but every day I keep trying so hard to learn something from her. To have something to remember. To have something to keep. But she's way too perfect for me. I can't even be just like her. Sure, she's really good at getting on my nerves but I'm starting to believe that's what she's here for. She has to make me mad for me to be reminded what it will be like when I no longer have the only person who constantly tries to find my fault. She has to ignore me for me to realize that cold sh...

Remember when things suck so bad for me? Well, I'm over that part. I met someone. Someone genuine. Someone who makes me feel like nothing can ever go bad with him around. Well, you know how I love to write about guys who are incredibly nice to me but this took me 5 long months to finally accept the fact that he's all I've ever wanted. Maybe this post won't mean anything in the near future because you know guys in my life just tend to fuck things up whenever I'm ready to let them in but I guess this time it's safe to say I don't ever want to lose him. And that if I do, I don't how I'll ever recover. He's the complete opposite of D and maybe quite the same as K. But I like him because he's all of that altogether. It might sound crazy but I actually have all the time to think about him. Still sound too good to be true, right? I know.  Anyways, I'm shifting house. I'm so very grateful for everything that has happened up til now. Nothing...

You know how God sends everyone a human angel to make things better & to heal us emotionally? Kak Mahirah. I strongly believe that she was sent specifically to us to help us get through difficult times. Her presence has been nothing but a blessing. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

It's funny how I'm still searching for answers on why you left & married her instead. It's like as much as I tell myself that I'm happy as long as you are, I can't seem to move on from the fact that you promised me the world but left anyway. Was I not worthy of marriage? Or was chasing my dreams too much for you? I don't think I'm ever going to forget how you ended things. How you still linger around when you made the decision to give up first. How you had the cheek to ask me why I asked the questions I did when you were already settling for her. Cruel. I never saw you as that person as I never thought you could be one. Sad, isn't it? To have someone you thought could finally mean what he says only to turn around & prove you wrong. I just wish you could have shown that side of you much earlier when I was still deciding on whether to let you in or not. Worst thing was how you knew what he did to me before you but you still had to hurt me like t...

I gave in.