angels dont give up on me today

Who the hell told you that you need someone to survive? Now look where it's bringing you. No-fucking-where. It was all good by myself until i met him & started to develop feelings for him. None of it was real, i told myself. But if it wasn't then why is it so fucking hard to let him go? No matter how many times i tell myself i'm done, i will still find myself running right back to the start. I don't know if any of these is gonna be worth it. Maybe it's a waste of feelings but i love to have you around. I need you to be around. The attention i needed from you, i'm getting it from all the other guys. What surprises me is that i can't seem to fall for any of them. They can be real angels but it is still not working. I need you more than anything now. If it's not you then i don't want anyone else. Stuck on you, big time. Mum has been stressing out a lot. I totally understand that bcs she hasn't been having enough rest due to problems after p...

i fucked everything up yesterday. i wanted to tell you i miss you but my ego got the best of me. i was tired, i was mad, i was self-centered. you're treating me like an option.  one minute you want me there & another minute you don't.  well, at-least that's how i see it. it's what i think, see or say that matters. even if it's wrong, only my words matter. i'm sorry.  i don't wanna lose you but if being without you makes everything better, i'll settle for that. it's exhausting to always wait for your texts. even when we're talking, you don't seem like you're interested in anything i'm about to tell you.  forgive me for my cold replies. i only wanted you to feel what i was feeling when you gave the same damn replies. but it doesn't seem to bother you. not at all. what the hell do you want from me? you're loving the chase, don't you?  if it was easy, i would have let you go by now but it's not so i hope you r...

he didn't have to do much. he literally made my entire night when he said he missed me. it doesn't matter if he's saying it just to make me talk to him bcs as far as i'm concern, that's exactly what i wanted to hear. it definitely made me feel like i was wanted by someone, especially when that someone is him. he had no clue that i was trying really hard to give him cold replies for the past few nights. it didn't make me feel better, it made me felt worthless instead. i shouldn't have replied to any of his texts. i've told myself that the reason i was continuously hurting was bcs i kept letting him in time & again. then i thought that if i take everything slow & steady, my feelings would eventually fade. but the more i give him the cold replies, the more he comes back. like he didn't get any of my signals. pushing him away got really difficult bcs i started to get more attach than ever. i want to push him away but i don't want him to leav...

11th September 2013, Home Club. Dearest Team Secret :-) x

now that you're gone, everything's different. i knew what i had, i just didn't thought i'd lose you this fast. you were just like a Dad to me. you blow my phone up when it's only 7pm & you never stop reminding me why I shouldn't be home late. you will always make sure i had dinner before heading to bed. you'd stay up till 5am bcs that's the time i'll get home after every event. you were on my nerves almost all the time. i wasn't your child but you controlled my life & your presence usually suffocate me. you can hurt me with words that you called advises. i'd lock myself up in my room whenever i get home just so i won't look at you. who would have thought i'd miss all those stuffs now that you're no longer here. i came to realize my safety comes first even though you had your own children & my siblings. i guess i was pretty difficult for you to handle that you had to wait till i get home every night/morning just to m...

i'm sorry for what i said to you. yes, you hurt me time & again. but my feelings won't change. nothing will. i won't change you. promise. please don't leave. you're the only person that matters now. i know i'm difficult. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. & if you really wanna go, go ahead. if you don't want me, i don't want you too. but if you think  we can work it out, please try to stay. bcs if you leave, i'll cry. i'll be unhappy all over again. you're mean, you're clueless, you're ignorant, still i want you so bad. you'll never understand, but i hope one day you do. that you're the first guy ever, i let myself run back to.