angels dont give up on me today

i fucked everything up yesterday. i wanted to tell you i miss you but my ego got the best of me. i was tired, i was mad, i was self-centered. you're treating me like an option.  one minute you want me there & another minute you don't.  well, at-least that's how i see it. it's what i think, see or say that matters. even if it's wrong, only my words matter. i'm sorry.  i don't wanna lose you but if being without you makes everything better, i'll settle for that. it's exhausting to always wait for your texts. even when we're talking, you don't seem like you're interested in anything i'm about to tell you.  forgive me for my cold replies. i only wanted you to feel what i was feeling when you gave the same damn replies. but it doesn't seem to bother you. not at all. what the hell do you want from me? you're loving the chase, don't you?  if it was easy, i would have let you go by now but it's not so i hope you r...

he didn't have to do much. he literally made my entire night when he said he missed me. it doesn't matter if he's saying it just to make me talk to him bcs as far as i'm concern, that's exactly what i wanted to hear. it definitely made me feel like i was wanted by someone, especially when that someone is him. he had no clue that i was trying really hard to give him cold replies for the past few nights. it didn't make me feel better, it made me felt worthless instead. i shouldn't have replied to any of his texts. i've told myself that the reason i was continuously hurting was bcs i kept letting him in time & again. then i thought that if i take everything slow & steady, my feelings would eventually fade. but the more i give him the cold replies, the more he comes back. like he didn't get any of my signals. pushing him away got really difficult bcs i started to get more attach than ever. i want to push him away but i don't want him to leav...

11th September 2013, Home Club. Dearest Team Secret :-) x

now that you're gone, everything's different. i knew what i had, i just didn't thought i'd lose you this fast. you were just like a Dad to me. you blow my phone up when it's only 7pm & you never stop reminding me why I shouldn't be home late. you will always make sure i had dinner before heading to bed. you'd stay up till 5am bcs that's the time i'll get home after every event. you were on my nerves almost all the time. i wasn't your child but you controlled my life & your presence usually suffocate me. you can hurt me with words that you called advises. i'd lock myself up in my room whenever i get home just so i won't look at you. who would have thought i'd miss all those stuffs now that you're no longer here. i came to realize my safety comes first even though you had your own children & my siblings. i guess i was pretty difficult for you to handle that you had to wait till i get home every night/morning just to m...

i'm sorry for what i said to you. yes, you hurt me time & again. but my feelings won't change. nothing will. i won't change you. promise. please don't leave. you're the only person that matters now. i know i'm difficult. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. & if you really wanna go, go ahead. if you don't want me, i don't want you too. but if you think  we can work it out, please try to stay. bcs if you leave, i'll cry. i'll be unhappy all over again. you're mean, you're clueless, you're ignorant, still i want you so bad. you'll never understand, but i hope one day you do. that you're the first guy ever, i let myself run back to.

rough day yesterday. everything wasn't in place. can't rly figure out what i'm feeling right now. at the same time i put pressure on my colleagues & i'm sorry. didn't sleep well last night. was up for a few hours thinking how to settle certain matters without putting pressure on them. being in the position i am right now clearly made me realized what Ameere & Zhengyi went through when they had me as their very own promoter. for the very first time i feel like crying myself out bcs i'm thinking too much.. i thought by going away for awhile, these things would be off my mind but it's following me everywhere i go. can't help it. i want everything to be perfect. so perfection i will find.  i miss you, grandma. everything you used to say keeps playing in my head. i won't forget a single word. i admire how strong of a person you were when you were going through tough times. i wanna be just like you. you taught mummy well. thank you Allah for giv...