angels dont give up on me today

Remember when things suck so bad for me? Well, I'm over that part. I met someone. Someone genuine. Someone who makes me feel like nothing can ever go bad with him around. Well, you know how I love to write about guys who are incredibly nice to me but this took me 5 long months to finally accept the fact that he's all I've ever wanted. Maybe this post won't mean anything in the near future because you know guys in my life just tend to fuck things up whenever I'm ready to let them in but I guess this time it's safe to say I don't ever want to lose him. And that if I do, I don't how I'll ever recover. He's the complete opposite of D and maybe quite the same as K. But I like him because he's all of that altogether. It might sound crazy but I actually have all the time to think about him. Still sound too good to be true, right? I know.  Anyways, I'm shifting house. I'm so very grateful for everything that has happened up til now. Nothing...

You know how God sends everyone a human angel to make things better & to heal us emotionally? Kak Mahirah. I strongly believe that she was sent specifically to us to help us get through difficult times. Her presence has been nothing but a blessing. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

It's funny how I'm still searching for answers on why you left & married her instead. It's like as much as I tell myself that I'm happy as long as you are, I can't seem to move on from the fact that you promised me the world but left anyway. Was I not worthy of marriage? Or was chasing my dreams too much for you? I don't think I'm ever going to forget how you ended things. How you still linger around when you made the decision to give up first. How you had the cheek to ask me why I asked the questions I did when you were already settling for her. Cruel. I never saw you as that person as I never thought you could be one. Sad, isn't it? To have someone you thought could finally mean what he says only to turn around & prove you wrong. I just wish you could have shown that side of you much earlier when I was still deciding on whether to let you in or not. Worst thing was how you knew what he did to me before you but you still had to hurt me like t...

I gave in.

My feelings for you were genuine. But I wasn't looking for someone who could save me. If the things you did for me was what you thought was best, well darling, it wasn't. If I needed help, I'd ask. The things that are happening in my life aren't things that you would or you could understand.  But you were always there for me. Maybe that's why it's killing me now. I needed someone who could let me be. Someone who knows I'm difficult and won't change that.  It's been five days now. I miss you.

Dear God, T he nicest, the most forgiving, the patient one, the most understanding, just everything I would want in a guy. But if he is not for me, I don't want to waste his time. It is hurting me as much as it's hurting him. Maybe he was right for me but I wasn't for him. To have someone who could put up with me, myself and I altogether isn't something that happens often in my life. Losing him is breaking me apart. But oh god if he is meant to be mine, let us meet once again when things are easier. When life isn't as messy as it is right now. When I'm able to treat him just the way that he deserves. Maybe more but nothing less.  And if he's not meant to be with me, give him someone who's emotionally stable. Someone who doesn't need him to understand things he couldn't understand. Give him someone who could give him love as much as he's willing to give her. Last but not least, give me the strength to see him with someone else. Lov...

He can't do it like you do. He makes me feel like I'm a burden. Like having me in his life means he's gonna live a miserable life. And I don't want to give that kind of life to him. He has all these thoughts in his mind that's telling him I'm up to no good again. It's tiring having to go through this countless of times. He can't trust me enough. I don't know if he's able to handle me when I'm being such a sad soul. He can't. No one can do it like you do.