angels dont give up on me today

It's funny how I'm still searching for answers on why you left & married her instead. It's like as much as I tell myself that I'm happy as long as you are, I can't seem to move on from the fact that you promised me the world but left anyway. Was I not worthy of marriage? Or was chasing my dreams too much for you? I don't think I'm ever going to forget how you ended things. How you still linger around when you made the decision to give up first. How you had the cheek to ask me why I asked the questions I did when you were already settling for her. Cruel. I never saw you as that person as I never thought you could be one. Sad, isn't it? To have someone you thought could finally mean what he says only to turn around & prove you wrong. I just wish you could have shown that side of you much earlier when I was still deciding on whether to let you in or not. Worst thing was how you knew what he did to me before you but you still had to hurt me like t...

I gave in.

My feelings for you were genuine. But I wasn't looking for someone who could save me. If the things you did for me was what you thought was best, well darling, it wasn't. If I needed help, I'd ask. The things that are happening in my life aren't things that you would or you could understand.  But you were always there for me. Maybe that's why it's killing me now. I needed someone who could let me be. Someone who knows I'm difficult and won't change that.  It's been five days now. I miss you.

Dear God, T he nicest, the most forgiving, the patient one, the most understanding, just everything I would want in a guy. But if he is not for me, I don't want to waste his time. It is hurting me as much as it's hurting him. Maybe he was right for me but I wasn't for him. To have someone who could put up with me, myself and I altogether isn't something that happens often in my life. Losing him is breaking me apart. But oh god if he is meant to be mine, let us meet once again when things are easier. When life isn't as messy as it is right now. When I'm able to treat him just the way that he deserves. Maybe more but nothing less.  And if he's not meant to be with me, give him someone who's emotionally stable. Someone who doesn't need him to understand things he couldn't understand. Give him someone who could give him love as much as he's willing to give her. Last but not least, give me the strength to see him with someone else. Lov...

He can't do it like you do. He makes me feel like I'm a burden. Like having me in his life means he's gonna live a miserable life. And I don't want to give that kind of life to him. He has all these thoughts in his mind that's telling him I'm up to no good again. It's tiring having to go through this countless of times. He can't trust me enough. I don't know if he's able to handle me when I'm being such a sad soul. He can't. No one can do it like you do.

    I remembered pushing you away because it was that time of the month and then I had you telling me you'd still be around no matter what. I remembered getting bad and sad then I had you holding me telling me I was worth a lot more than that. How can someone who helped me get through the days be the same person who broke me? Why is it so damn hard to let you go? I can't even let anyone in. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start all over. What if nothing goes right again? Will I be reminded of the days you left me hanging, wishing and hoping you'd come back? Even then, I am always being reminded of how, in that moment, you were the person who made me the happiest girl on earth although you were also the same person who broke every little piece left of me. But I can't be telling people that part, can I? I can't just tell them you've been such a great person because then they'd ask me why am I such a sad soul now. Of all the things you did for m...

Miss you, Mum. I know it hasn't been easy for the past few months but believe me when I say that I'm trying. I'll make things better again. For you, for me, for everyone. And you might not see it but I can honestly say Abang is trying too. Just give him a bit more time, okay? We're rock bottom now but at least we have each other. Won't be long until we're back on our feet again. In shaa Allah. Thanks for being the best. I love you.