angels dont give up on me today

it's that feeling again but i have no one to turn to. this is not something i can talk about. no one would understand. they'd think i'm a joke. but i really feel that it's happening again. each time i thought i was getting well, it just comes right back. i'm so sick and tired of this.

I needed someone to be there. I reached out to my loved ones because I was scared. I needed someone to be there. To tell me everything's okay. But nobody was there. They simply don't care. I'd do anything for them but when I need them, they just aren't there.. Sad, isn't it? I almost wanted to treat them the way they treated me but my heart just couldn't do it. I wasn't born like that. People kept telling me that whatever I do should be done from the bottom of my heart and that I shouldn't be expecting anything back. But I just wanted to matter. I just...... want to matter. Why is this so hard? Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? Why wasn't I taught to be cold towards people who treats me awfully? They can break my heart many times but I'd still hand my heart over to them again & again. I thought people closest to me would give me unconditional love. They are supposed to be my safe space... But they act just like every...

Have you ever wonder what's in store for you when you fall for a complete stranger? Like would I end up marrying this dude or will this dude be just another guy who would fuck me over? I have been with so many guys who treated me like a queen from the start but ended up cheating on me. Will this guy end up being that guy? I remember praying for god to show me if a guy was meant for me and if he wasn't, I asked for god to take him away from my life. And there he went, leaving me like I was garbage. You might say that I asked for it. Yes. Yes, I did. Although I saw it coming, I was hurt. Because I gave all of me and still that wasn't enough. But god, oh god, this boy has me falling head over heels for him. He is water to my fire. He makes everything feel right. He makes me feel right. Most of the time, I take him for granted, I admit. But I have always been this girl who puts her own ego over anything else. I may have tried to lower it down just so he knows that I am willing ...

Weird, isn't it? How we both thought that I've been well. I am, to be honest. Maybe for a little while. I have always believed that when someone's really happy, sadness will come. Believe it or not, it has happened to me more than once and you may say it's just me but hey, it's not you who's going through it now, are you? Grateful. That's what I am. I have a beautiful family, a loving boyfriend, a fun working place(with a bit of stress) and good friends(just a small crowd). Even so, I still feel empty. Like something's missing. What am I here for? What have I accomplished so far? I've been living my life day by day just waking up, going to work, coming back home and go to sleep. It has become a routine that it makes me feel so tired and bored. Mostly tired to be very honest. I want to be able to enjoy what I'm doing. I want to have a meaning to my life. I want to save the world(sounds huge). I want to make everyone's life better. But how do I...